Love.

I have always had those boyfriends that were simply boring. Actually about every guy that has ever stepped into my life has been boring. Or hurtful. Or hateful. Or just plain scum. I was never able to get that one guy. The guy that made your heart skip a beat when he walked by. The guy, to you, met your standards. I felt like for soo long I had to settle for something less than what I wanted. Not because I wasnt able to get prince charming, but because I never felt worthy of anything better. I still doubt myself from time to time. But I atleast deserve happines. Love. And thats when I met andrew. When my last boyfriend left me. Not just "hey we are done," but actually left the state, I was miserable. How could I not keep this scum of the earth. How could this guy not see that he was meer shit and I was a shiny rock. I knew he was bad news. I knew he was messed up. But I needed someone to confind in. Regardless if he actually listened. So when he up and left I was devistated. Because I ment nothing to anyone. It was right before my freshman year of college. I was already going to leave everything I knew and start a new. But why couldnt I have something that was normal. That I knew was safe. I met Andrew within a month of living at Vincennes. He stole my heart from the very second I saw him. He made me second gues everything I had ever known. He made me want more and more. Of what, Im not sure but I wanted it. We kind of had a fling and it fizzled really quick. He had a mind set of not being with me. As did I. I was not about to get hurt. Not by this bastard. Its been about a year and a half now (something like that) and we have been off and on ever sence. Here recently we decided to become "facebook official." Well actually he surprised me with it. In my heart I always felt like something was out there that was better for him. And it wasnt me. I slowly began to fall inlove with him and now Im so head over heels I have no idea what to do. For the longest time he would hold back. Understandable. And now he is full force. All I want to do is be with him. He makes me feel beautiful even when I have just woken up and have drool on my face. He makes me feel feelings I have never felt before. He makes me so happy its crazy. I never thought my cheeks could hurt soo bad from smiling. I never thought I could acutally want someone just as bad if not worse than they want me. We complete eachother. Make jokes. Make sentences. Make memories. We can be complete assholes to eacother (like smart ass) and then just look and laugh. He just recenlty started calling me names. Good names. Babe. Baby. Baby Cakes. Cakes. It cute. I used to hear people say it and it made me sick. But when I hear it come from his mouth my whole body tingles. Im so in over my head its insane. We talked about this summer going to the beach. An escape from the world vacation. We also talked about when he has to go away for the military. And thats not for a while. He sees me in his future and Im not sure I could be with out him. I love when he calls. I love when he texts me. Im getting butterflies just thinking about it. I finally know what it feels like to be in the "movie" kind of love. I cant get enough of him. He is the only person that I have had and yet i still want more. His laugh. His smile. His eyes. His jokes. His body (of course). And i mean i love muscles, dont get me wrong. But there is just something about him, when I see him my knees get weak. My throat gets dry. I have never been inlove and I sure hope this is it. Andrew and I are great together. We used to have stupid ass fights. And he used to break my heart every day with his unwillingness to commit. But he is no longer testing the waters. He has jumped him. And Im right there with him.

Breath..

Have you ever just had that moment when everything gets so crazy all you want to do is sit back and relax and you can't find the time to simply just breath. Lately that's how it has been. I have been more busy now than I have ever been in my whole life put together in one day. Or so it feels like. I have test after test and then priorities to see my friends and see my boyfriend. It almost seems like the weekend is only a total of 2 hours. And some how I am supposed to go to the gym, see my boyfriend, see my friends, clean the house, community service, spend time with my father, and study. It would be easy if all that were about 5 minutes long. I could honestly stay at the gym for 5 hours and I could spend days on end with my friends and my boyfriend. There is just not enough time in the day or week or month or year for that matter, to get everything I want to be done. If only the minutes could last a little longer. I heard once that time flies when you're having fun. Well that couldn't be more true now. I feel like I just started school and I'm already my third week in. I love to study and to learn and to go to class, so my school days are a flash and like I said the weekend are about 2 hours long. I know you are probably thinking with all this time I don't have how the hell did I find time to write. Well I love to write and I figure I can squeeze one more drop of time. Actually, today we have no school. We must have got a whole foot of snow. You would think living in Indiana we would be used to snow. But no. Every winter everyone is soo amazed of this white stuff falling from the sky and they act as if Armageddon is happening. Even though I have the day off I still have to study. Life doesn't stop when school is closed. Or when my car is buried under the snow. I have 2 tests tomorrow. Micro Bio Lab and Nutrition. Hopefully laying in bed with my books surrounding me I will be able to study and find the time to just have some me time. I just want to sit back and breath. I don't have a job but I'm a full time student. And to me that is just like having a job. But with a little bit more studying. Even when I get a break from school, I never really truly get a break. I still have worries on my mind about what I should be studying, how can I get ahead of my classes and how hard will the next set be. Its a very stressful life but I love waking up and wondering what I'm going to learn next.

(my car is in the picture somewhere.. taken this morning)